I'm breaking my mother's heart the longer I stand looking at you
by timeladyelf
Summary: "John was born and raised in South Carolina, he had his life planned out for him since before his birth. His parents expected him to be either a lawyer, marry a good, christian, southern girl, have kids and then go into politics. You see, it was a very carefully crafted plan, but there were only two things his parents did not take into account: John and Alexander."


Alexander Hamilton is a riddle, wrapped on a mystery, inside an enigma; and if there is a key, John can't seem to find it. Since meeting him four months ago, he finds himself more and more pulled to him.

John quick figures out Alex never stops talking, he is always ranting or making comments or vocalizing his opinions. Alex talks and talks, but never about himself.

It's not that he refuses to answer personal questions, he always replies them, yes, but it's always straight enough for you to be satisfied but not enough for you to actually know anything. Once, when their small group of friends were still merging, when there still was John's friends and Alex'sfriends, Angelica had eyed him, smiled, asked where's your family from? and Alex had smiled back and said Puerto Rico but that's unimportant, the question is where's the booze?

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John has known Alex for four months and there are ten things he knows:

1\. He's from Puerto Rico.

2\. Studies pre-law at Columbia.

3\. Hates hospitals with passion.

4\. Rooms with Burr.

5\. Won't sleep nor eat unless physically forced.

6\. Reads too many books.

7\. Will fight anything that moves.

8\. Loves spicy food.

9\. He's an orphan.

10 .Is fluent in both spanish and french.

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John also has a list of ten things he wants to know:

1\. Favorite food.

2\. Childhood.

3\. Why he hates hospitals.

4\. Favorite color.

5\. Does he wants to go on a date with John.

6\. Where to kiss to make him moan.

7\. How he looks in the light of John's apartment.

8\. What happened before NYC.

9\. Why he always looks like he's carrying the world on his shoulders.

10 .Is he free on Friday?

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It drives John crazy that he seems to be the only one who notices it. How could no one else realize they knew nothing consistent about their friend? It goes beyond him how no one else notices the mystery that is Alexander Hamilton.

John asks two people about it. It goes like this:

i) Aaron Burr:

John asks Burr first. It makes sense, he is the one who introduced them in the first place and he is Alex's roomate, he has to know more about him than anyone. John chooses to ignore the discomfort caused by that particular thought.

So he asks Burr one Tuesday when they are both in the library, Alex not there for once, John reading his Anatomy book and Aaron writing his assignment. It pops on his mind without warning, almost as if it belonged among the leg muscles he had been studying. It pops on his mind and John wastes no time, he closes his book and says "what do you know about Alexander Hamilton?"

Burr raises an eyebrow, sets his pen down, says "the same as you?" and he says it like a question, as if talking to a child, as if John should know the answer and had no reason to ask in the first place. So John presses and Burr shrugs, says "he's an orphan immigrant, he's an idiot and he should come with a mute button."

"But what about before Columbia?"

"I don't know, Laurens. Go ask him, not me."

"Am I the only one who wants to actually know the guy?"

"Well, you are the only one who wants to get in his pants."

"Shut the fuck up, Burr. Have you finally talked with the Bartow girl?"

"I told you she has a boyfriend. Now can I finish my work in peace or will you keep talking about your crush?"

John doesn't bother with an answer, instead he opens his book, pretends to read and if Burr notices doe eyes and messy buns doodled on the margins, well, he says nothing.

ii) Hercules Mulligan

When he first met him, John had been intimidated by his size. At the time Hercules had been Alex's giant cop friend and John had been kind of terrified of him. Now though, he knows Mulligan is a soft teddy bear inside and one of the most loyal person he knows, even if he was still a giant compared to him or Alex.

So, Hercules is the second and last person John asks. They are at John's small apartment, Lafayette sleeping curled up in one armchair, Mulligan sprawled on the floor playing on his phone and John sitting on the couch with Alex stretched across him, head on his lap.

It's past midnight, the menu of the last DVD still on the screen, illuminating the room. John plays with Alex's hair, careful not to wake him, aware he is presenciating a miracle that is Alexander Hamilton sleeping. John aches for his notebook and pen, fingers itching to draw Alex like this, so calm, soft, vulnerable. It makes him wonder what happened to harden that look out of his face. He looks at Hercules on the floor, thinks of Alex sayinghe was my first friend here and says quietly, "what happened before New York?"

Mulligan doesn't answer at first. He looks at John, sighs, turns his phone off and sits up. When he speaks, his voice is careful, clear, tired, "do you like him?"

The question takes John off guard, it sounds loaded, it sounds as if there are millions of questions behind it, it sounds important, it sounds like he needs to say the right answer, it sounds like a promise. John looks down at Alex and it sounds like no question at all. "Yeah, a lot."

"Then why does it matter whatever happened before?"

John mulls over the question. Why does it matter? Does it matter? He knows he won't get an answear out of Hercules, there is a clear back off on his voice and then Alex is mumbling softly in his sleep and John thinks this is what really matters.

There isn't anything Alex could've done or gone through that would possibly change the way John's heart skips a beat when Alex beams and his eyes glint with mischief or how Jonh feels like he's been waiting his whole life for someone like him.

So does the past really matters?

"It doesn't."

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John makes a new list. There is only one thing he needs to know:

1\. Is Alex free on Friday?

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Alexander Hamilton is a riddle wrapped on an enigma, inside a mystery; and if there is a key John would throw it on the ocean, maybe inside a bottle so that somewhere miles away, some stranger would find it and wonder.

John was born and raised in South Carolina, he had his life planned out for him since before his birth. His parents expected him to be either a lawyer, marry a good, christian, southern girl, have kids and then go into politics. You see, it was a very carefully crafted plan, but there were only two things his parents did not take into account: John and Alexander.

So far, John has half of that plan washing down the drain: he is going for pre-med and he is gay, crossing out politics, girls and christian off that list.

Still, his father can work with that, a doctor for a son isn't all bad, the profession has some status, and as long as John keeps his mouth shut and a very, very low profile, well, Henry Laurens never has to know about his son's sexuality.

But then, John had never taken Alexander into account either, which, in hindsight, seems a very stupid thing to do, because now John is sitting on his couch with no idea what to do with himself while waiting for a reply.

Alexander Hamilton is a riddle wrapped on an enigma inside a mystery, and if there is a key, John can wait, he is very good at that. He wants to have all of eternity to figure it out.

Then, his phone beeps on the table and John throws himself across the couch to grab it. Inside, the text message reads yeah, it's a date! :) and John thinks no, he is most definetly not good at waiting because Friday sounds way too far away from Wednesday.

Alexander is a riddle, wrapped on an enigma, inside a mystery; and John feels like he's been waiting his whole life for someone like him.


End file.
